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Advice on boundary setting
IMHO, this is one of the most powerful things about boundaries. I can talk until I'm blue in the face explaining my boundaries to my partner, but that just seems to create defensiveness.
If instead, I just do not respond in the way he is accustomed to, it seems to just change his behavior.
Will an electric fence plead with you not climb it? No, it will just sit there silently doing what it does marking a line in the sand. If the other person chooses to climb it, they will be shocked. The fence does not care one way or another.
The part I struggle with most is not feeling guilty or emotionally engaging when I set a boundary.
I am not a good boundary setter but I have has some success with setting boundaries with my kids this year. The key for me was to think of key behaviors that I definitely needed to change and then we established a 23 stages consequence. House rules applied to everyone; only for H and I the consequences were different. Once written down I posted them and H and I stuck to them. Luckily the consequences I chose were things that the kids really valued and they got the message and started to comply. With my oldest, the first 3 weeks were awful, but we stuck it our. Didn't yell or scream just simply stated that it was unfortunate that he disregarded the house rules and had lost whatever privilege. What helped in this situation was that the rules we set had clear cut penalty times (2 hours, 1 day, etc) THIS WAS SO HELPFUL in avoiding being pestered every 5 minutes to get a privilege back. They knew upfront and pestering was futile.
I'm not sure how well setting rules and defining consequences would work for older kids. I would say that you really have to thing hard about what removal of privileges. Access to the car seems like it could be an effective behavior modification tool. Making them responsible for any increase in insurance premiums if they get a ticket, incur a claim, or their grades drop and they no longer get the good student discount.
With my H the best move I made in setting a boundary was during one of his "Where the F are you?" rants. I simply said without any anger, "Call me back when you can address me with respect." and hung up. He never called back or apologized, but he has yet to jump all over me like that since. When my kids start demanding things instead of politely asking for them, I usually acknowledge them but do not consider responding until they rephrase.
My biggest problem is making it clear how I want to be treated. I can set the intolerable boundaries such as I clearly and directly stating, "If you strike our children again in rage, I will begin divorce proceeding immediately." This I totally mean, and he knows it, and luckily he has chosen not to test this boundary. However it the smaller less black and white issues I struggle with. I have a very large areas of gray. I often don't speak up and say when things bother me but then get resentful. I think this is kind of like what Mouse said. I don't react when I've been mistreated. If I could only make these areas more clear, I would be so much better off.
then. if it was something that was relatively easy for the person, and something that was really important to us, then the notion was that we could ask. but be less likely (more hesitant) to take 'no' for an answer. whereas if it was harder for the other and /or not so important to us then we should be more accepting of a 'no' answer. and. same goes for the requests that others have of us.
i guess the other part to it is figuring out how to deal with the 'no'. i guess friendships are SUPPOSED to suffer if one friend won't do something that is really important to the other when there is little cost involved for themself. you realize. that friend isn't really there for you. if people keep crossing your boundaries maybe it is because: 1) they aren't such good friends or. 2) maybe it is because they have never heard a univocal 'no' from you before. people will push when they sense hesitancy or vacillation (nobody likes to hear 'no). i guess. i'd try and work on the latter before writing off the friendship. but then. depends how much the friendship means to you (and what it is that you do get out of it, i guess)
I think to set good boundaries it is not only necessary to intellectually understanding that it is OK to have needs and wants, it is important to actually "get this" on an emotional level as well. I think for me setting some of these more personal boundaries is difficult because I frequently tell myself things like. "I don't really NEED that." or "I don't really care that I've just been called something or disrespected." or "I shouldn't need or want that person's approval, attention, connection anyway." or "I'll survive with or without that person's love or appreciation." or "I'm immuned to these insults because I'd cold, hard, incapable of caring." These statements are really good at quelling angry outbursts or suppressing outward responses. However, they ignore or deny the basic human need to feel important or valued by others.
I guess one of the hardest things for me is coming up with consequences that are not drastic, such as leaving the person completely. Some of the stories told in this thread are helping me get ideas for different consequences one might try. Right now I'm feeling backed into a corner, like the lesser consequences I've tried have not had an effect, even if I stuck to them, so I either have to put up with the boundary crossings or maybe leave the relationship. I am seeking the therapist's help because I really don't want to give up on the relationship, but I'm getting so close. Yet I don't want to keep being a doormat either.
Perna,[url=http://nikefreetilbud.hcslnet.com]nike free tilbud[/url], of all the posts, yours made me feel the most disheartened (not that there was anything wrong with it). I have told my boundaries. Sometimes quite forcefully. I am very clear on the behavior that I want and expect. But still my boundaries are ignored. Your conclusion was then just don't be around that person. I really hate to think that is what it has come to, that I have to abandon this person. You also mentioned you have to be on the same page. I have no idea how to get on the same page with someone who won't respect my boundaries. If they were on the same page, it seems like they wouldn't be crossing my boundaries. Reading your post really brought home to me what a failure I am at this. It's as if a sports coach has tried to teach me an athletic skill and I have practiced it over and over and still am completely uncoordinated at it and it is obviously hopeless that I will never learn. We can't all learn to do back flipsmaybe I just need to accept my limitations.

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